A long period of silence. People ask me: what is going on on planetcarmen? Honestly, most of the time, I was wondering that myself. After the cloudjam in Münsingen, I found out that I was pregnant and that was a very, very big surprise. I had only begun to kindle idea of having a second child, but it was enough for a spark to become real – to fly right into my womb, nest and grow. On one hand, I experienced a loss of control and on the other, it felt reaffirming to help this little spark grow as it seemed to know exactly where it was supposed to be. I just didn’t know, where I wanted to be. I felt conflicted, tired, annoyed, confused and most of all overwhelmed.
All these feelings did not disappear, they actually augmented in different colors of emotions and I mainly felt stressed by the idea of being a mother of two. I think most people would call this state an identity crisis as it came along with questions like: where do I want to live, what job is meaningful in the future, what is happening to my dancing self, to my artistic ideas, why do I feel like an alien (in my family), how can I make enough money to support my family. It was all blurry, I was ungrounded and grieving, lost like a butterfly in a dark cave. I did not want to jump in another motherhood nest, I was ready to explode or implode, just anything with a big bang! It wasn’t easy to be with me and it was not easy to be me.
In this pregnancy, I learnt “how to cut the crap.” I was too busy being emotional and unhappy that I neither had the energy nor the time to dwell on conflicts for too long or wait until unpleasant situations got better or more harmonious. I learnt how to pause or stop friendships, piss off an entire school administration, be direct to my family, my friends, my husband, my son and I understood when to shut my mouth and especially when I need to open it. In other words, this pregnancy taught me how to stand up for myself (and others), take care of my own sensitivities and act appropriately even though I know I would hurt or will be hugely disliked by others. It was a lesson in being honest and some assumptions of what I am, were torn apart in front of my eyes. It was aggravating and very uncomfortable. Without this pregnancy, I would have continued to avoid going down that road and maybe I would have kept some delusions about myself forever.
I think these last 9 months were also simply a preparation of what it means to be a mother of two. Cut the crap and stand up for myself, my kids and depending on the situation for my husband and friends. Time is precious, don’t fool around with tolerance or understanding if there is no halfway meeting in near sight. Don’t loose time and linger around. Especially, in times of Trump and his kind – don’t loose courage or faith.
Labor can start any day and I am curious about this little being who already taught me so much.