A long period of silence. People ask me: what is going on on planetcarmen? Honestly, most of the time, I was wondering that myself. After the cloudjam in Münsingen, I found out that I was pregnant and that was a very, very big surprise. I had only begun to kindle idea of having a second child, but it was enough for a spark to become real – to fly right into my womb, nest and grow. On one hand, I experienced a loss of control and on the other, it felt reaffirming to help this little spark grow as it seemed to know exactly where it was supposed to be. I just didn’t know, where I wanted to be. I felt conflicted, tired, annoyed, confused and most of all overwhelmed. Continue reading
I am surrounded by sweetness and exhaustion. I decided that this blog post will be a little compilation of some precious moments during my time in Germany. I won’t write about being worn out by the quantity of things I thought I had to do; like renovating my apartment, working with asylum seekers, organizing a festival, tutoring English, teaching German, being part of the Freiburg CI festival and all that with a little one year old on the side. This article will be about 5 times sweetness!
This morning little Sequoia walked (yes, he walks!) to my side of the bed and said his first word:”Hi!” I think this was one of the most heart warming experiences I’ve ever had.
One evening at the cloudjam, I was sitting in one corner of the room, observing dancing people and holding my son. I saw and felt how everything in the room became alive and present. The dance, the violin and the focus was flowing easeful together. I was quiet, content and at the right place. I was touched by the reason why I organized this little sparkly festival. I understood that my motivation was to bring all my homes together: Münsingen, the town where I grew up, the Rhineland, where I lived for almost 10 years and the Bay Area, the place where I am living now. All 3 homes were united through my 4th home – the dance. Just writing this gives me goose bumps. All homes were represented by dear friends, old and new and it made me so tremendously happy that my brother was part of it by cooking deliciously for the whole dance crowd!
An article was written about our Jam by the local newspaper! : http://www.swp.de/muensingen/lokales/muensingen/Persoenlicher-Augenblick;art5701,3357339
All pictures courtesy of Norbert Mörchen.
photo: Nick Brandt
Being a mother means being bit in the toes,
Being a mother means dancing for hours and crying for minutes,
Being a mother means being in LOVE,
Being a mother means watching your child climbing in a cardboard box,
Being a mother means watching your baby for hours,
Being a mother means meaning.
Being a mother means being tired, means being tired.
Being a mother means dressing him in pink,
Being a mother means establishing a different relationship to feet,
Being a mother means watching my son fall asleep every day,
Being a mother means scraping off some dried up banana from his chin,
Being a mother means getting caressed in the purest ways,
Being a mother means drumming on the toilet lid.
Being a mother means being tired, means being tired. Continue reading
Es ist ruhig. Das Baby schläft. Ich bin allein. Trinke deutsches Bier. Und schreibe. Seit langem finde ich Zeit und Geduld einfach nur für mich zu schreiben (und für Euch natürlich, liebe Leser). Was ich aber tun sollte ist schlafen. In meinem Blogpost Sleepless Humor fing die Schlaflosigkeit an und seither hat sich mein Schlafentzug nur vergrößert. Ich habe alles mögliche probiert, damit Sequoia nicht so oft aufwacht, aber bis jetzt funktioniert keine meiner ach so cleveren Strategien. Wenig Schlaf, das bedeutet in meinem Fall, nicht mehr als 2-3 Stunden am Stück, wenn ich Pech habe nicht einmal das. Der Schlafentzug wirkt sich auf meinen Körper so aus, dass meine Raumwahrnehmung langsam verschwindet und sich meine propriozeptive Wahrnehmung bald in Luft auflösen wird. Das ist eine komplett neue Körper/Lebenserfahrung und schaffe ich es nicht in der Welt der temporären Erfahrung zu bleiben, ziemlich frustrierend. Beim Tanzen kann ich fast nichts mehr anderes machen, als mich auf dem Boden rollen, da alles andere mich sofort desorientiert. Ich brauche nur die Augen zu schließen und die Welt dreht sich. Continue reading
Our little baby learnt how to push himself forward and is exploring happily that newly achieved skill. In this short conversation, I can probably demonstrate how different mothers and fathers are experiencing the same event.
Sequoia (6 months) is under the table playing with the table legs. He loves to touch, push and pull on them, he likes to feel the structure and he particularly is into the taste of wood. Sometimes I just have to place Sequoia under the table and he is happy exploring these skinny wooden legs. Today he decides to baby crawl forward, leave the legs behind and discover new territory. He does very good until he bumps softly (but noticeable) with his head against the kitchen door.
Me: “Oh no! Be careful.” (I move him away from the door).
Rajendra did not hear anything or ignores the incident completely.
Sequoia is not stoppable and bumps his head again on the door. This time with more KARACHO.
Me: “Oh no, not again! You have to watch out where you are pushing yourself into! Are you ok?”
Raj (finally lifting his head): “What happened?”
Me:” Didn’t you hear the loud bump?! Sequoia pushed himself too hard forward so that he bumped into the kitchen door twice!
Raj: “Dummy.” (continues looking on his computer screen).
Can you believe that?! He just said “Dummy”! …
Enjoy the 16 seconds video which illustrates how some fathers play with their babies 🙂
A live experienced story, just before the bells ring for Christmas! Why not adding a little bit of humor in the midst of all the crazyness that seems to happen on our peculiar planet.
Most of you heard the term – sleep d e p r i v a t i o n. Especially known among fresh mothers. Just in case you don’t, it is simply the condition of not having enough sleep. I, finally know what that implies when Sequoia suddenly started to wake up 3-5 times at night. Not funny. But funny things can result from that state.
Last Monday at the SF airport before we flew to Germany, I had to pee. Beside my sleep deprived state of body and mind, I was also sad about leaving without Rajendra. But nevertheless, I needed to pee. Continue reading
My little son Sequoia is already 10 weeks old. In these last weeks, I was thinking a lot what to write about now being a mother. Something that wouldn’t be ‘baby talk’ or ‘mother talk’ or ‘sweet talk’ or ‘ info talk’ or ‘complaining talk’ or ‘advice talk’ or ‘happy talk’. I wanted to write about something else. I am still not really sure what that is as so many people talk and write about motherhood, babyhood and parenthood. A whole big industry is making money by educating us about that totally natural event of having a baby. Sometimes I feel like being in a quick sand of words not knowing when I will get pulled down, swallowed by the word monster. Continue reading
Ich bekam vor ein paar Tagen mein erstes Paket! Es war eine Überraschung und es wurde doch tatsächlich in meinem Namen geliefert. Wie schnell sich die Nachricht meiner Geburt doch herum gesprochen hat! Wie man in den Bildern gut erkennen kann, war ich von den Handtüchern nicht sehr beeindruckt, auch nicht von der kreativen Fotomontage meines Vaters, aber ich hatte das Gefühl meine Eltern hatten Spaß an der Fotosession. Erwachsene erfreuen sich ja bekanntlich sonderbarer Dinge, aber ich glaube, ich werde die Handtücher mit der Zeit mögen, vielleicht auch nur der Stickerei wegen.
Ich selbst war während der Bildaufnahmen mit wichtigeren Dingen beschäftigt. Ich muss mich in den nächsten Wochen und Monaten sehr auf meinen Körper konzentrieren. Es gibt ja so viel zu lernen! Einem Phänomen bin ich besonders oft ausgeliefert; dem Schluckauf oder dem Hiccup. Beide Worte klingen lustigerweise in beiden Sprachen ziemlich ähnlich. Er erwischt mich immer völlig unvorbereitet und manchmal machen mir die Schluckauf-Reaktionen meines Körpers ein bisschen Angst. Aber nur ein wenig, denn ich bin fast immer ziemlich entspannt und nehme sie wie sie kommen. Continue reading
I was rehearsing for a few weeks in the milk bar and created an improvised wonderful little piece of art. Unfortunately, there will be no public showing. There was just that one day where I performed it to myself. My belly is about to deflate and the magic and insight I felt while performing is lost and remembered forever.
I wish I could work on it more, I wish I knew how to work on it more, I wish I knew how to make an evening length show with all the pieces I created, performed and in addition materialize some of my ever burning and changing ideas. I wish I knew how to be persistent, excited and persevered in developing my art. The truth is, I don’t know how. As soon as I try to dive more into one of my pieces, I lose interest and meet resistance. I meet meaninglessness, boredom and doubt. I want to break through that resistance but I also honor it and understand its source.
Until this very moment the only place where I can stay with that is in between. In between acceptance and anger. Sometimes that is a very good place to be. Inspiring and thriving. In other times it feels depressing, sad and lonely. I guess the way out of that dilemma is finding an intention of why I want to perform. A real, honest and clear reason or at least one I believe in.
In the ‘unfinished red’ I recited that the first few months of pregnancy were at times so irritating because I was surprised about the lack of obvious side-effects, but especially about the lack of emotions. I realized I was judging the harmony this baby and I seemed to have found immediately…
After I said these words, I danced a duet with the little sprout that is growing inside of me. A duet that was entirely co-created in the spirit of collaborating and guiding equally. It was (and still is!) such a pleasure and loving experience to feel the impulses from inside and transfering them to the external world.